Banned for slapping? Wusses

April 30th, 2008 Roshan

I just read on the front page of all my newspapers that Harbhajan Singh has been banned because he slapped/punched Sreesanth. Since they think it’s that important, it must be. I’ll tell you why, it’s because it demonstrates the pussification of Indian sport which is why we’re never at the top of any medals list. We’re doing the wrong thing, you know, Sreesanth got off lightly with just some punching. It’s not sport without a little fighting, some brawling, a few headbutts here and there. See, at least with football or basketball you’re going to watch a sport. The IPL is different. How, you ask?

Well, for starters, the most relevant part is that the TV advertisement promise ‘Fights’. See, that’s fairly unambiguous, they promise you fights and when you get them they take them away. That’s simply not fair. Besides, what’s sport but some abstracted fight. Our sporting contests are proxy wars akin to the duels of legend, except with slightly more people fighting, and slightly lower stakes. With that as my basis I propose the following changes to the IPL:

  • No restrictions on verbal abuse. Profanity, curses, insults are all good.
  • No restrictions on gesturing or being otherwise insulting, so long as the grounds are undamaged.
  • Violence is encouraged if a player is provoked by another performing any of the above. Violence without provocation isn’t acceptable. It’s just not cricket, you know.
  • If a player disagrees with the umpire’s decision to mark him out or to mark his target not out, the argument is decided by trial by combat between that player and the other involved. They can use a bat, a ball, or both but no other weapons except what they were born with. Helmets, guards and all that aren’t allowed. One other person can choose to take their place in the duel.
  • When the match is over, the victorious team will stand over the broken remains of shields and torn pieces of banners bearing the other team’s ensign while their own anthem plays loudly. The other team will slink away, suitably chastised, and knowing that they suck.

That I would watch. Ah, sweet. I can feel the love.

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